What’s “Dead Fish Sex,” & Are You Having Too Much Of It?

My husband spoons me, trying to play footsy with me under the covers. I groan and jerk my foot away.

“I’m too tired. It’s 11:45 at night, and I have an early morning.”

“You can dead fish it,” he coaxes.

Dead fish sex: It’s a phrase we coined early in our 15-year marriage to mean a lazy quickie where one of us, too tired to participate, puts absolutely no effort into the act. Is the dead fish metaphor a bit disturbing? Yes, but it’s one of those inside jokes that just stuck in our relationship.

When I sheepishly confessed this lingo to a close friend, she admitted, “Oh, my husband and I have a name for that, too. We call it ‘pirate sex’ cause you’re too tired to have more than one eye open.”

Whether you call it dead fish or pirate sex or something a little less nautical, the point is that lazy sex is part of relationships. Schedules fill up, our bodies get tired, hormones go haywire, mental health fluctuates, and goodness, if kids don’t have a sixth sense on how to sabotage our alone time.

That’s why I feel strongly that sometimes a quickie is better than no sex at all. Normalize Dead Fish Sex! my minivan’s bumper sticker should read.

But if I’m honest, there are times in my relationship that the lazy quickie turns into the norm. We let work deadlines, scrolling on our phones, or one more episode of a good show take the place of quality time together. And then suddenly, it’s 11:45 pm and I’m thinking, “How did this happen? I have to be up in 6.5 hours.”

Before we know it, we’re in a sex rut. And then suddenly, the momentary oxytocin boost of a quickie isn’t enough to keep us in tune with each other’s needs. We tend to bicker more because when we don’t make time for our physical relationship, it’s generally a sign we aren’t making time for our emotional connection either.

One study found that dissatisfaction in marriages peaks at 10 years, with lack of intimacy and the demands of raising children cited as pain points.

How do we keep intimacy fresh? I talked with a few relationship and sex experts to offer us their best insights.

First things first, what is a sex rut?

If your sex is pretty much the same every time, following a specific “script” and knowing what’s next, then you’re likely in a sex rut, says Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist.

But being on sexual “auto pilot” is not a sign that your relationship is doomed. Instead, it’s an invitation to reconnect, encourages Monica Tanner, an RLT-trained relationship and intimacy coach and host of the podcast Secrets of Happily Ever After.

It’s challenging to connect with so many demands on us as adults. If one partner feels they are shouldering more responsibility than the other, resentment can build up, killing desire and arousal, says Norén. Tanner adds that comfort and complacency can also contribute to ruts because, although stability in a relationship is a beautiful gift, it may make intimacy feel predictable.

If you feel the passion fading, intimacy waning, or your connection feels forced, it doesn’t mean the attraction is gone, says Tanner; it just means your spark needs oxygen.

Should you schedule sex?

I have friends who schedule sex because they say it’s the only way they fit it in. It makes sense, especially during a busy season.

But scheduling sex might also make it feel like a chore, says Jocelyn Freeman, author, co-host of the podcast Empowered Couple, and marriage coach alongside her husband, Aaron Freeman. Freeman shares that she and her husband make it a point to each initiate once a week. “That way it doesn’t get deprioritized,” she says, “but it also keeps some playfulness and surprise alive. Knowing we’re both responsible for initiating also prevents it from falling on just one person, which helps keep things balanced.”

Are some couples just more compatible than others?

Physical compatibility isn’t necessarily about liking the same things in the bedroom, Norén says; instead, it’s often the case that compatible couples are those who feel most comfortable talking about sex or stay open and curious enough to try new things.

The best way to increase compatibility? Talk about “what you want more of, less of, what turns you on, what makes you want your partner (both inside and outside the bedroom),” suggests Norén.

But conversations around intimacy can be precisely what they sound like: intimidating.

To keep things positive, talk about sex when you’re in a good or neutral mood — not in a fight — and focus on what you want more of instead of what you’re not enjoying, Norén adds. These conversations can help us understand our partner better, rather than reaching faulty conclusions about what they want or why.

“If we, for example, know that our partner feels like we’re not prioritising their pleasure by always defaulting to something that makes it harder for them to orgasm, or that it’s important that they receive a specific kind of touch cause it makes them feel loved, it may make it easier for us to meet half-way, or give our partner what they’re asking for,” says Noren.

Expert tips to keep sex fresh when life gets busy

These are a few of our favorite tips the experts shared with Scary Mommy:

Don’t neglect your bedroom space. Freeman says, “Recently, we redecorated our bedroom with new sheets, a comforter, candles, and art, and it made us more excited to be in that space together. We notice that a lot of couples neglect how their bedroom feels, which in a sense is representative of their marriage.”

Cut out electronics. I’m guilty of being distracted on my phone or laptop late at night. That’s why I love that Freeman says they keep their phones out of bed and don’t have a television in their room.

Ban something you always do. In a sex rut, we resort to the same-old, same-old. So, mix it up by banning the things you always do, offers Norén.

Make a yes/no/maybe list. This is a list of things you are willing to try (or not) in the bedroom. Approach intimacy with a “spirit of play rather than pressure,” recommends Tanner.

Flirting is foreplay. So is kindness. “Things like going up behind each other while doing the dishes, grabbing a butt while cooking, brushing up against each other while we’re both getting ready, or saying something flirty in passing. When we keep that kind of playful energy alive, intimacy doesn’t feel abrupt or forced later. It feels like a natural build-up of connection that’s been happening all along,” says Freeman.

Intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom, Freeman believes. That’s why she and her husband pay attention to how they treat each other during the day by showing appreciation and prioritizing kindness.

Have sex at a different time of day. Norén says you may be surprised how different this can make things feel.

Prioritize your own well-being. When you are more confident, energetic, and self-aware, it can increase your desire and playfulness in the relationship, says Tanner.

With a bit of intention and effort, it’s possible to reignite the spark that once brought you together.