Is Bickering A Bad Sign In A Relationship, Or Is It Healthy?

If you’ve been in your relationship for any period of time, chances are there are little things you find frustrating about each other. “You always open things and leave the wrappers on the counter for me to throw away.” “Well, you never replace the paper towels when they run out, and I’ve never seen you order the dog’s food when it’s running low.” Does letting out these little annoyances when they occur also let off some steam? Is bickering always a bad thing, or, done well, can it be a sign of a healthy relationship? Experts say a little lighthearted back-and-forth is really normal, and advise on how to keep it that way.

Is bickering a bad sign or a green flag?

We tend to think that in a perfect relationship, we’d never have anything to fight about. But usually, zero conflict means that both parties are avoiding hard topics and brushing things off. “The difficulty is that avoidance does not mean it goes away. Instead, it gets to grow in secret, in the dark recesses of our minds, and turn into something much bigger and uncontrollable,” says Reesa Morala, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy.

Instead, she says to think of a little conflict with your partner as a normal thing. “Acknowledging the friction or speaking it out loud can sound like bickering. It doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed or broken. It means you are a human being in a relationship with another human being. And you’re making room to talk things out.”

Says Anat Joseph, a licensed clinical social worker and psychoanalyst, "Bickering can actually be a healthy sign in a relationship when it is lighthearted and respectful. It gives partners a way to air out small frustrations before they grow into larger resentments. In many ways, it is better to acknowledge the little irritations rather than suppress them, because unspoken feelings can build tension over time."

How can you tell if your bickering is unhealthy?

Bickering becomes problematic when it turns hostile or personal, and if it’s happening constantly, Joseph says. If your arguments are eroding your respect for one another, involve name-calling, or leave either partner feeling dismissed or unsafe, it’s no longer constructive.

Morales says if either party turns to the Four Horsemen (coined by the famous couples therapists John and Julie Gottman), your arguments could start leading to deeper emotional wounds. Those would be criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.

It’s especially important to recognize when your bickering has gone bad and to course-correct if you have children. “Whether fights occur in harsh whispers after bedtime or are loud and violent in the living room, children know they are happening,” says Samantha Whiten, clinical psychologist and practice owner at Best Life Behavioral Health. “Children are very sensitive to the tone and atmosphere of their homes. When conflict occurs on a regular basis — let’s just call this every other week or more, and for violent fights any number is too many — your child’s developing brain and nervous system is inundated with stress hormones. This early trauma sets them up for hypervigilance, low self-esteem, and increased susceptibility to issues later in life, both mental and physical.”

Your conflict is negatively impacting your child if they feel like they have to ally with one parent over the other, or perceive one parent as good and the other as bad. If you notice them doing their best to be perfect, that may also be a sign they’re trying to avoid stressing you out any further. Or, they may act out in order to distract parents from fighting.

Best Practices For Bickering, From Experts

Healthy bickering looks like “expressing frustrations in a way that is direct but not cruel,” Joseph says. Instead of saying “You never clean up after yourself,” you might try, “I feel stressed when the kitchen is messy after dinner. Can we work out a better system?” “Using humor can also help keep bickering light and connected rather than adversarial. The key is maintaining empathy, staying aware of tone, and reminding each other that even small conflicts are about improving the relationship, not tearing each other down,” she says.

Here are some helpful guidelines to keep conflict constructive, courtesy of Morala:

• Start your sentences with “I” to take responsibility for how you’re feeling.
• Stick with the facts and “leave the seasoning in the kitchen,” as she puts it. Making it spicy won’t help.
• Ask yourself why this is bothering you and speak from that place. What’s the actual need?
• Offer a roadmap of how to meet your needs.
• Keep the conversation short, direct, and respectful.
• Remember you’re speaking to a teammate, not an adversary.

Here’s how she would put it all together if, say, your partner was on their phone while you were venting about a stressful event at work. “I felt hurt and ignored when you looked at your phone while I was telling you about my day. I want to feel like I matter to you and that you are interested in my inner world. What that would look like is setting aside some time where you are able to look at me when I’m speaking and ask curious questions to get to know what I need in the moment or what my perspective is.”

Of course, you don’t have to argue like a perfect angel all the time — it’s just not realistic. But keeping these guidelines in mind can help you navigate the things that bother you in a much happier, healthier way.