So You Want To Try Role-Playing

Role-playing seems to come up quite a bit whenever you’re poking around the internet for ideas to spice up your sex life. It’s not as all-in as exploring some other fantasies, and you technically don’t even need any, erm, supplies. But when you’ve been with your partner for so long and you’re used to having sex in a certain way, breaking the pattern and pretending to be a valiant warrior and a damsel in distress sounds jarring, to say the least. And won’t it be super awkward? Sex therapists say yeah, of course, but that’s actually why it’s worth trying.

The benefits of role-playing

As anyone in a long-term relationship knows all too well, it’s easy to figure out what works sexually for both parties and stick to that. But it’s the experimenting phase that really gives you a chance to connect with your partner and what keeps your brain wanting more.

“Whenever we try new things with our partner, our brains really light up. We love novelty. It helps to see our partner in a new way and have a different experience with them,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and co-author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.

Trying something new sex-wise, even if it’s a little awkward in some moments, can help you feel more confident in the bedroom to boot. “Role-playing brings novelty and excitement to your relationship, helps you explore your sexuality and sexual preferences, and helps you gain more sexual confidence,” says Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, Ph.D., a Kinsey-certified sexologist and tenured professor of sexual communication at California State University Fullerton (who goes by Dr. Tara).

So, great, you want to try something new, and role-playing is that thing. Now what?

Easy role-playing scenarios for first-timers

If you’re a beginner at roleplaying, Marin’s best advice is to start simple and stick to what you know. “If you’re trying this for the first time, do not go for the costumes and scripts and scenarios. Don’t jump into the deep end with it. Instead, just role-play yourselves. Role-play the first time you had sex or your first time meeting each other, so you can actually just replay what happened,” she says.

If that’s too simple to feel exciting, you could make up a new scenario, as if you’re meeting each other at a bar for the first time. “You could have your partner in the kitchen and you walk up to them like, ‘Oh, fancy seeing you here. Do you come to this place often?’ You can be a little silly and playful about it rather than feeling like you have to be super sexy,” Marin says. Or, try playing two characters from your favorite TV show, book, or movie. That way, you already have a shared story to work with instead of feeling like you’re doing improv as two 1800s English peasants.

You could also try reading or listening to erotica in the genre you want to try role-playing, Suwinyattichaiporn says. “I’ve been listening to an audiobook of Priest, and I can’t wait to role-play the priest and slutty churchgoer with my husband.”

Dr. Tara also recommends these role-playing scenarios for beginners. You can easily find outfits for them in your own wardrobes, and some of them have physical contact built in, so you don’t have to figure out how to start undressing your partner while remaining in character.

• Masseuse and massage client
• Security guard and shoplifter
• Cheating wife and handyman
• Cheating husband and nanny
• Boss and secretary

Unlike being a princess and a knight, or two star-crossed vampire lovers, the characters in these scenarios are much easier to play. And you don’t want to go buying a bunch of costumes or supplies until you’re sure you really like role-playing. “I think there is a small subset of people who might really enjoy it. The vast majority of people might be like, ‘That was fun to do once; it was kind of silly, but I don’t really care to do it again,’” Marin says.

But what if it’s weird?

Unless you’re sitting on a theater degree, role-playing is going to feel a little awkward and push you out of your comfort zone. Instead of trying to pretend like that’s not the case, just ride it out (pun intended).

“You gotta lean into the awkwardness. Nobody’s trying to win an Oscar here,” Marin says. “There is no way to have non-awkward sex when you’re feeling awkward. That’s why I like doing a little dirty talk outside of the bedroom at first, because you can be silly and goofy and laugh at each other and be like ‘oh my God I can’t believe we’re doing this.’ So let it be playful. Let it be awkward. Let it be funny. Usually after a minute people will settle in a little bit, and then you can get a bit sexier with it.”

If you’re nervous about how to initiate a role-play scenario, you could try sexting your partner earlier in the day. For example, if you’re trying the massage idea, text them to “confirm their appointment” and ask if they’d like to add a happy ending to their booking, Suwinyattichaiporn says.

So go on, do it — send the text. Order a fancy massage oil. Get excited to try something new and laugh with your partner, if nothing else. Whether you become avid role-players or give it one night of good faith effort, you’ll be glad you tried it together.