I Was Honestly Shocked To Hear How Few Of My Female Friends Orgasm During Sex

Sitting on the back porch one mom’s night out, my married friend with three kids leaned in and confessed to our group, “I’ve never orgasmed with Will. I love him and find him attractive. I enjoy the connection our sex life brings. But it’s been almost 10 years and now it feels like it’ll never happen.”

The women around me buzzed with advice and troubleshooting ideas. At the time, my friend’s confession seemed like a rare one-off circumstance.

I was wrong.

Since that night on the back porch, I’ve had more girlfriends admit that they struggle to orgasm with their partners — so, curious, I went digging for information.

Statistics about female orgasms surprise me

One study I found surveyed heterosexual newlyweds in Finland, where 90% of the male partners participating consistently had orgasms compared to 51% of women (this included masturbation). The study also suggested that women tended to value their partners’ orgasms more than their own, known as an “orgasm gap.”

Another study suggested the numbers are slightly higher, finding that 65% of heterosexual women, 66% of bisexual women, and 86% of lesbians come every time they have sex, compared to 95% of heterosexual men and 89% of gay men.

I can relate to the orgasm gap among heterosexual and bisexual women.

During each of my three postpartum seasons, I struggled with low libido for more than a year. Sex became a chore — one I solely participated in to benefit my partner. Though those seasons thankfully passed, they helped me empathize with women choosing to have sex for their partner’s sake rather than their own.

But wanting to satisfy partners is not the only factor in why women don’t achieve orgasms. Research indicates it’s also anatomical.

Trina E. Read, Ph.D., sexologist, author of The Sex Course and co-host of The Sensational Sex Podcast, told Scary Mommy that the “myth that women can easily orgasm with vaginal penetration” still persists. “(This) is a massive point of shame for millions of women. Over 80% of women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. If you resemble that remark, you are not broken. You are absolutely normal,” Read said.

Normal.

So much for all those sex scenes in movies and books where women reach climax after what feels like 0.03 seconds of penetration. Amirite, ladies?

There are many reasons why women don’t reach climax

Women often feel the pressure to come during sex, according to Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist: “A partner can be too adamant, so it becomes about performance — not pleasure,” she says. “It turns into a game of how good their partner is at satisfying them and becomes important to their partner’s ego, which ups the pressure on the woman to come.”

Norén adds, “The harder they both work for her to come, the more she becomes stressed and starts thinking thoughts like, ‘I have to come now. Am I there soon? What’s wrong with me?’ — all deeply unsexy thoughts. Orgasms thrive on desire and arousal, and pressure-filled thoughts decrease them, making you not only less likely to orgasm but also less likely to enjoy sex overall. This is backed by research showing the very real connection between negative thoughts during sex and sexual dysfunction.”

Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist with Passionerad, says that the belief that women in love orgasm easily is damaging because “when reality doesn’t align with that, it’s easy to feel stressed or that there’s something wrong with you.”

And what about body image?

Research indicates that sexual self-esteem plays a role in sexual satisfaction, according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, Ph.D., Kinsey-certified sexologist and tenured professor of sexual communication at California State University at Fullerton. “If you have a negative body image, you’re more likely to feel anxious during sex and therefore aren’t able to be fully present and focused, a condition that’s needed for orgasms to occur. Our cultural beliefs and beauty standards absolutely negatively impact women’s self-esteem and ability to fully experience pleasure,” Suwinyattichaiporn says.

We can’t forget about medical conditions, either.

Holly Wood, an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists-certified sex therapist and clinical sexologist at Bedbible.com, points out that conditions such as “hypertension, thyroid problems, and multiple sclerosis can contribute to difficulty achieving orgasm,” as can medication.

Studies suggest that even genes are associated with a female’s ability to orgasm, according to Suwinyattichaiporn, who added that for most women, environmental and cultural factors carry a heavier impact. Wood also pointed out that hormonal factors might influence sexual response, which could explain what I experienced during my three low-libido postpartum seasons.

Another contributor to a less-than-fulfilling sexual experience is the all-too-familiar lack of communication. A failure to discuss sexual preferences and needs can lead to unsatisfying sexual experiences, Wood suggests.

I’m often surprised by how little my friends share with their partners in bed because they fear hurting their partners’ feelings. Communication works in a couple’s favor for deeper connection, so why tiptoe around feelings?

And that brings me to my final point: relationship dynamics. Wood explains that even committed relationships can have “unresolved conflicts, lack of emotional safety, or resentments [that] can hinder sexual intimacy and orgasmic release.”

In her opinion, and as suggested in this study, couples are less likely to have an enjoyable sexual experience following a conflict — though everyone is unique, and this differs from person to person.

So, how are women supposed to orgasm?

I’m glad you asked. Read offers the following four tips.

1. “Take your focus off orgasm and lean into sensuality. Research shows persistent, low sexual desire among women is especially prevalent with orgasm-as-the-goal-focused sex. Most women experience a delayed sexual response and are unable to orgasm during the she-comes-first time frame.” A woman has one shot to fit in her pleasure. Yet, her ability to get in the mood and orgasm is generally inconsistent. The irony is that when women lean into their sensuality, they may have unlocked the door to bigger, better orgasms.
2. “Do not rush through sex just to get it over with. The majority of women in long-term relationships will experience a delayed sexual response — meaning that women don’t want sex when it’s initiated, and, in fact, it will take time for her body’s arousal to catch up to the experience. When couples have utilitarian or quickie sex, the majority of women’s delayed sexual response (and collapsed vaginal canal) doesn’t have time to catch up, so she grows resentful and eventually apathetic about sex.”
3. “Sex isn’t about sex. If it were, people would be having tons of it. All the things that can make sex easy or difficult begin with how you frame your sexual experience. So, if you want to have good sex, then you need to have a positive sexual mindset. This means you look for what is going right with your sex life instead of focusing on what you don’t want and don’t like.”
4. “Of all the things that can help keep a relationship fun and fresh, this is the biggest obstacle: Ask for what you want.” The majority of women don’t ask for anything different than orgasm-focused sex. The result is increasing boredom and frustration that sets women up for sexual failure.

It’s not too late to enjoy more fulfilling sex

Female orgasm can be complicated, but not impossible.

Next time you’re afraid it won’t happen, lean into this truth: You’re not the only one stressing over achieving an orgasm. If anything, I hope that grain of truth makes you feel less alone. And maybe, one day, it’ll lead you to more fulfilling sex.