Don’t Be Jealous If Your Kid Likes Your Ex’s New Partner — It Could Benefit You In Big Ways

Sarah remembers the Sunday evening her two kids, Paige, age 10, and Noah, 8, returned from a weekend at their dad's and her ex-husband, Dave. As the children unpacked their clothes, Paige blurted out, "Daddy has a new girlfriend. Her name is Heather, and he wants us to meet her."

Sarah's guts started turning at the mere thought of another woman spending time with children, which, according to Mardi Winder-Adams, a divorce coach and author of The Other Side of Divorce, "is natural when you hear your ex is dating someone new." Since the kids were slowly adjusting to the divorce and new visitation schedule, Sarah took the high road and kept her thoughts to herself — "another smart move," Winder-Adams says, "because kids often feel a lot of anxiety and uncertainty when their parents split."

The initial meet-and-greet two weeks later was a disaster, and Sarah says the kids called from their bedroom at Dave's crying. And while that reaction can also be expected, it could hint at further division down the road. Jason Ross, a licensed psychotherapist, tells Scary Mommy, "The likelihood the first introduction will go well is rare because, depending on the age and level of maturity, some kids might fantasize their parents will get back together and be a happy family again. Presenting someone new diminishes that hope, and the children may feel compelled to take sides, which can lead to loyalty issues."

Initially, Sarah was secretly elated the kids rejected Heather... but that came with a price.

During Dave's allocated time, Paige and Noah would constantly call, text, FaceTime, and e-mail Sarah because they wanted to come home, and Sarah's heart would start racing if the kids' names lit up on her phone. The barrage of complaints impacted Sarah's mental health. She became resentful that her time at the gym, with friends, or taking part in a self-care routine such as getting a manicure was constantly interrupted, whereas Dave's never was. It also created greater friction between her and Dave.

This scenario repeated itself for six months until Heather brought over her goldendoodle named Thunder. The kids were smitten and began tagging along to take Thunder for walks, to the park, and to the store to pick out a squeaky toy. During these moments, the children discovered Heather was actually pretty cool and knew lots of funny jokes. Their moods began shifting, and they were upbeat when they got home. Again, Sarah first felt a zing of jealousy ripple through her body.

But, really, what can you do? "It's common to be nervous if another female is spending time with your family when you are not present," Winder-Adams says, which is why she suggests, "If you can have a civil conversation with your ex to learn more about this person, it may allay some of your fears and help the children adapt to a person who is not one of their parents."

Much to Sarah's surprise, her stress level began to change once Paige and Noah shifted direction. Instead of resisting weekends and causing a chaotic scene when Dave showed up, exchange time became a breeze. The children became more independent and took the initiative to pack their own bags. Sarah also noticed a difference in Dave's conduct — the two began co-parenting better and fighting less.

"Having another positive female role model can encourage the former husband to act better, and it can enhance the children," Ross explains. "It gives them an understanding of empathy, another influential person to learn from, and they'll know how to develop healthy relationships as they get older."

Six months later, Noah invited Heather (and Thunder) to a soccer game, where Sarah and Heather would meet in person for the first time. As the women sat next to each other, Heather tried to ease the uncomfortable tension by disclosing the pain she experienced when her parents divorced and the anger towards her dad when he moved quickly on from her mom. Heather conveyed that she related to what Sarah and the children felt and assured Sarah that she would never step on her toes.

Experts say that sort of effort and understanding, when reciprocal, can make a world of difference. "Expanding the circle could be a win-win situation for everyone," she explains, "especially when there is open communication to figure out boundaries, establish ground rules when it comes to disciplining, and how to be on the same page when it comes to the best interest of the kids."

Michele Heffron, a life strategist and host of the Getting to The Heart podcast, tells Scary Mommy, "When you take a step back, you can see there's a silver lining to making room for your ex's [new partner], especially if your kids feel safe, happy, and cared for when they're around this new person because that's ultimately a good thing for them. Not only won't it diminish your role as their mother, but it will expand the family's circle of support and give the children more love and stability in their lives."

Ross says there is another benefit to supporting your kids' friendship with their dad's partner: "It displays healthy adult behavior, and that's a valuable lesson to teach children because kids learn from what they see at home." Winder-Adams couldn't agree more. She adds, "When everyone gets along, the kids don't feel like they are in the middle of a tug-of-war ... they won't carry the burden of feeling guilty about liking this new person who is not their mommy."

With Heather in the picture, she was able to help with carpools and errands, which took pressure off Sarah. And when the kids were at Dave's, Sarah was able to take charge of rebuilding her life. She enrolled in a cooking class, joined a Mahjong group, went to spin, her sorority reunion, and started dating. All without disruption. Sarah felt herself evolving into a whole new person. Her bubbly personality came back, she felt confident when she looked in the mirror and, for the first time, she had a positive outlook about her future.

Editor's note: Names have been changed to protect the family's identity.