A Parenting Coach Shares How To Avoid Gaslighting Your Adult Children About Their Childhoods

Parents of adult children, let’s have a chat. Has your kid ever shared a childhood memory with you, that just doesn’t align with your recollection at all? It might even portray you in a not-so-great light. How could this possibly happen?

Before you say, “Well, that’s not how I remember it,” hear out certified parenting coach Destini Davis.

In a video posted to Reels, Davis explained the emotional toll that being “seen and not heard” takes on kids — and how parents who instituted that rule can work to repair some of it’s damage.

“Maybe you’re not intentionally gaslighting them. Maybe you two genuinely did have different experiences,” Davis said. “That's what happens when kids aren't allowed to have a voice or preferences or talk back. That's what happens when you say things like, ‘Stop crying, you don't pay bills around here, so you don't get an opinion.’”

She explained that, if kids are told their thoughts and feelings don’t matter or are unwanted, they’ll learn to keep them to themselves. So, don’t be surprised if adulthood hits, and you feel like their perspective feels completely unfamiliar — after all, you never asked to hear it!

“If they weren't allowed to have feelings, then you probably won't understand when they say that they were afraid of you or that they were really sad as a child,” Davis continued. “It's going to be very different from your memory.”

That can be a hard pill to swallow. It’s not easy to admit when you were wrong, but acknowledging it is step one, so kudos for making it this far.

If you genuinely do want to remedy the situation with your children, Davis claims it is possible.

“I can't speak for every adult child, but I'm sure many feel that beyond an apology, what they really want if they didn't have a voice then, is to be able to have a voice now,” she said.

There is a nearly infinite number of ways you can show your adult child that you value their thoughts and feelings. Respecting their parenting choices is a big one! As is showing kindness to whoever they chose to spend their life with.

If you need even more of a reason to turn your listening ears on, the comments were widely supportive of Davis’ take.

“PERIODT! The apologies are meaningless without changed and sustained behavior,” one user said.

“😮‍💨 needed to hear this as an adult child but also as a parent ❤️” said another.

“Yes this is why some things I don’t even bring up bc I don’t need or want an apology for them,” another user commented. “But the relationship me n my mom have now, the conversations we have AND the relationship my 15yo sister gets to have with her is what is healing for me. Changed behavior is the best apology she coulda given me 🫶🏽”

You can’t go back in time, parents, but you can do better today.