12 Ways To Get Your Kid To Care Less About “Stuff”
We’re living in a material world... but haven’t we always?
There’s no denying that peak consumerism hits during the winter holidays. Who among us doesn’t wonder at least once during the month of December if we’ve accidentally raised a little Veruca Salt or Dudley Dursley? But our kids’ tendency to want, want, want doesn’t magically disappear once the holidays are over or cease to exist outside of their ever-growing Christmas wish list.
Even an everyday grocery store errand can include unexpected gift requests and meltdowns when the answer is “no.” Silver lining (yes, please, we need hope): Experts say these experiences — and the conversations that happen in calmer moments — are all lessons that can curb materialistic behavior.
While much is made of the ways in which social media has ramped up consumerism, perhaps you recall bops like “Skip it” and how you decided you wanted to be a Toys ‘R Us kid instead of ever growing up. The truth is we’re all susceptible to consumerist tactics. That trip to the grocery store? Even your toddler will likely fall for a few targeted marketing tricks. Elmo granola bars and Paw Patrol puffs, anyone? No? Well, you’ve won a free toddler meltdown in the middle of Target, complete with pointed stares from other customers and concerns that your child will never understand the value of a dollar.
It might help to know your kid’s reaction is developmentally appropriate (even if some customers don’t feel it’s socially acceptable).
“Developmentally, kids, both younger children and teens, can lean towards egocentrism, which is basically over-focusing on themselves and thinking others are also focused on them,” explains Dr. Jessica Kendorski, the department chair of the School Psychology at PCOM.
That may not sound comforting. But remember, our worldviews and habits evolve with time and experience. Dr. Patrice Le Goy, a psychologist, explains that “Children show preferences for certain items that are more internal when they are young and become more external as they become older,” adding that external influence comes from family, peers, ads, celebrities, athletes, and influencers a child or teen admires.
12 Tips to Curb Consumerism in Kids
Yes, nagging for certain toys and brands is developmentally normal. No, we cannot control every aspect of our kids’ long-term worldview. However, you, as the parent, do have some power.
“It also very much depends on the environment that the child is in and what they are viewing the adults around them doing,” says Abbey Sangmeister, MS.Ed, LPC, ACS, of Evolving Whole.
Experts share their two cents on how to lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship with “stuff” and the money needed to afford it.
01Discuss gratitude
Sangmeister says conversations about what you do have — and why you’re grateful for it — can start as early as infancy. “Showing gratitude can help a child have a larger worldview around consumerism,” Sangmeister says.
Discussing bud (favorite part of the day) and thorn (one thing that didn’t go well) can teach even young kids the value of finding the good even if you didn’t get everything you wanted.
02Lead by example
Sangmeister suggests looking at your habits, including when and how you shop (emotionally? While watching TV?). “Children would benefit from hearing a parent talk aloud their decision-making process when making purchases and reflecting on purchases they make even if they fall into a more consumeristic area,” Sangmeister says. “This would include a parent sharing if they felt they made a mistake with a purchase or mindset.”
Admitting mistakes doesn’t mean shaming yourself — you can discuss what you learned from it in hopes your kids will, too.
03Establish and communicate values
Saying no to a child’s request for a particular makeup brand may never be pleasant. However, making and enforcing a decision can become more manageable if it goes back to clearly established and communicated values.
Le Goy says that you might say, “I understand that all of your friends are wearing those jeans, but in this family, we try not to place too much emphasis on what people wear.” Le Goy adds that parents who value experience might clarify: “For the cost of those jeans, we could have a fun experience together. What if we do X together instead?”
“This way, you are placing an emphasis on time together and building memories versus consuming,” she says.
04Implement a waiting period
You may know from experience that one-click buys have pitfalls. Sangmeister says that a pause can benefit kids, too, by helping them distinguish between wants and needs. “For non-essential purchases, create an X amount of days rule before making a purchase,” Sangmeister says. “Delaying gratification is a life skill.”
Sangmeister says this waiting period can also help kids build other coping skills and ways to find joy and entertainment instead of relying on shopping to get a quick burst of dopamine. This neurotransmitter rewards you with bursts of good feelings when you do something enjoyable.
05Acknowledge and validate their feelings
You never got the full American Girl Doll bedroom set and you turned out fine, but remember, hindsight is 20/20. Your kid’s disappointment that you won’t buy them something is valid, and you may recall having similar feelings when Felicity’s canopy bed wasn’t even in Santa’s budget.
“Validate that peer pressure is a real experience,” Le Goy says. “Don’t disregard it or say, ‘That’s not important’ because that doesn’t help change the feeling. Sometimes, children just want to feel that you are recognizing their feelings, even if you don’t buy them what they want.”
06Age-gate social media platforms
Kendorski suggests limiting access to social media until your child can better understand what an ad looks and sounds like. “In doing this, we can help limit kids' exposure to targeted ads and consumerist messaging,” Kendorski explains. “If children aren't constantly exposed to the ‘must-have’ products, they will be less likely to develop materialistic values and tendencies early on.”
07Teach digital financial literacy
Kendorski suggests introducing them to algorithms and how they work before giving them access to platforms. The knowledge is empowering.
“Teach kids that the algorithms created by their favorite social media platforms are designed to keep them engaged and present them ads/messaging specifically targeted for them,” Kendorski says. “Understanding the back-end of social media allows kids and teens to think critically and pause before choosing to ignore or engage with content presented to them.”
Another tip? Kendorski advises parents to discuss how influencers and brands use social media to make money, including affiliate links and sponsored content to influence your behavior and profit from your purchase.
08Be honest when you can’t afford something
Not being able to afford an item your child really wants can send parents into a shame spiral. However, Le Goy says it can be a teachable moment for kids. She suggests saying, “Yes, that toy looks super fun, and I can see why you would like to have it. We have to spend our family budget on fixing some things around the house right now.”
09Encourage kids to earn and spend their own money
Extra chores and saving money from birthdays, holidays, and allowances teach them that “stuff” doesn’t simply appear on their doorstep. “They may realize that having a certain brand is not worth the upcharge in price, or they still decide to buy the item, but with the recognition that they can earn the money for it themselves,” Le Goy says.
10Shift priorities from material items to experiences
Consider celebrating achievements or milestones, including birthdays, with experiences or activities and deprioritizing “stuff.”
“Creating core memories and a strong relationship is more important than items bought,” Sangmeister says. Some of her favorite ideas include cooking and baking together, painting and other DIY activities, snuggling, and staying up late for a dance party.
11Work on internal validation
Consumer behavior can stem from outsized external influence as children get older. Laying the foundation for internal validation from a young age can reduce the temptation to feel like they need to keep up with the Joneses.
“Shift the focus on what is important in life. Life is not made up of the things we possess but who we are and the relationships we have,” Sangmeister says, adding, “The best thing in life is who we are and the close, meaningful relationships we have.”
12Find balance
Parents may enjoy showering their kids with material gifts on holidays and birthdays. Experts say you can absolutely continue to do so and raise a child who doesn’t place so much emphasis on the material things they (and others) have.
“Of course, there can be balance when you look at balance as a whole, not in small segments,” Sangmeister says. “Some years you might spend more than others. It comes down to being open and honest about these conversations.”
Sangmeister and Le Goy both suggest giving kids choices. For instance, Le Goy says you might say, “‘You can have one big gift and have one friend over or you can get a smaller gift and we can go out to dinner with a few friends.’ This way, you are empowering them to figure out what is really important to them,” Le Goy says.
And setting their own values (long-term) and perhaps avoiding a meltdown (short-term) in the process. It’s a win-win.
