I Finally Learned That My Mother In Law Doesn't Owe Me Anything

I was in the middle of a vent session with my therapist when she dropped her latest ‘switch flipper’ on me. It’s something she does often: comes out with a simple statement that changes my whole viewpoint on something. It’s incredibly helpful, and something no other therapist has ever been able to offer me. This time it was about my mother-in-law. I was talking to her about some of our challenges and explaining that she does not help me nearly as much as I think she should. I mean, she lives in the next town over; she’s close by! I explained that she rarely offers to help with my two young sons, never invites us over for dinner, and hardly ever checks in to see how we are doing. And in the middle of my rant my therapist stopped me to ask a question. “I am wondering,” she began, “have you ever considered that maybe your mother-in-law doesn’t actually owe you anything?”

Well, shit. Have I ever really considered that?

And first of all, kudos to me for being evolved enough in my therapy experience to not take total offense to this question. There is certainly a younger version of me who would have become highly defensive at this moment. But after years of growth and work I now greatly appreciate when my therapist pushes back and offers an alternative perspective, even when it’s harsh.

So we got to talking. We discussed and worked through my expectations of my mother-in-law – where they came from and what they mean to me. Then we discussed her role in my family and in my life, her own needs, and how all of these things relate. And my conclusion is this: My mother-in-law doesn’t owe me anything. And actually, that’s a really freeing concept.

Because while I may choose to eventually mother-in-law and grandmother differently than she does, that does not make her way wrong. And just because my own mother might mother-in-law and grandmother differently than she does, that also does not make her way wrong. The conclusion I reached was that she had a duty as a mother to keep her young kids safe and make them feel loved, which she did. Now that I am in my own mothering role, she does not have any duty to me or my kids. And I need to stop feeling so angry and let down about all the things she is not doing.

I mean, of course it would be amazing if she offered to take my boys once or twice a week so I could get some things done. It would be lovely if she showed a huge interest in their lives, activities, and interests. And it would be wonderful to be invited over for dinner, so I could have a night to not worry about cooking a meal for my family. But I’ve realized that the responsibilities I am looking for her to chip in on are actually mine. And she has no obligation to help.

And while coming to this realization was a bit of a bummer, it actually has felt really freeing. I have spent a lot of time feeling frustrated that she has not fulfilled some commitment or obligation to my little family. And freeing her of that has also freed me. Realizing that my family is my, as well as my husband’s, responsibility only has led to released resentment, and allowed me to feel more grateful for those who chose to step in and lend a hand.

So if you too are internally battling with the frustrations of an absent mother-in-law, I urge you to let it go. It’s better on the other side.