This Mom Gives The Perfect Example Of How Different It Feels To Be A Default Parent
“So he went to Planet Fitness and did the hydro massage thing.”
The hard truth is that most moms are the default parent in their family unit. The parent that the kids come to ask for snacks, homework help, and rides to a friend’s house. They’re also the ones planning, organizing, and making sure the entire household runs smoothly. Need something? Ask mom. Mom makes this well-oiled machine we call a family run, my friend!
This also can lead to resentment, loneliness, and tons of harbored anger toward our partners because, to be frank, they do not and will probably never, fully understand what it means to never clock out.
One mom on TikTok, Maggie, shares a perfect example of this unbalanced dynamic, recalling a frustrating conversation she had with her husband.
“The other day, my husband came home and told me that an appointment got canceled and I asked him, ‘Oh well, what have you been doing then?’ And he kind of like got crabby at me and was like, ‘I just feel like I have to check in. I have to clock in.’ And I got to thinking about it...” she begins.
“I'm a stay-at-home mom. And it's like, yeah, because I never get to clock out. And if I do want to clock out, I have to plan it days or weeks ahead of time. And he told me his appointment got cancelled. So he went to Planet Fitness and did the hydro massage thing. And I'm like, ‘Okay, like totally fine. Great, whatever.’ But at the same time, if I find myself with a few moments spare time, you know what I do? The dishes or clean up toys or fold laundry. I don't go get a massage.”
She continues, “That's the difference between being a stay-at-home parent and being the default parent and just being like the homemaker versus being the other parent. And I talked to him about it and it's just frustrating. Does anybody else have that type of situation where you feel like you don't get to clock out and you realize how easily it is for your partner to be able to clock out?”
In her caption, she elaborated and wrote, “My day and life, and schedule revolves completely around the kids, 24/7.. and his doesn’t. And sometimes I just wish he could take on more so I could take on less.”
Before I start singing that song from TikTok (“Leave your husband! Leave, leave your husband!”), let’s break down exactly what Maggis is venting about here (which is so common). She’s a stay-at-home mom. So her day-to-day is mainly focused on the children and the house work while her husband works and brings home a physical paycheck. This kind of dynamic typically sets up roles where mom is on kid-duty 24/7 and dad “clocks in” only when needed because he’s bringing home the bacon. It’s archaic and played out, but it still happens.
Several users in Magge’s comment section commiserated, venting about their own husbands.
“yeah, we all got brainwashed into thinking marriage was the prize. we got so played,” one user wrote.
“Imagine him calling and saying- hey, my appt got cancelled. I’ll come home and take care of the kids and you go do something for yourself. WILD,” another said.
Another noted, “It’s not just SAHMs. It’s all moms and it’s so exhausting and overwhelming.”
“Both are hard BUT what they don’t realize is even sitting in the car alone in traffic is a break. Having lunch at work alone. Is a break. We don’t get that,” another user pointed out.
Other TikTok users tried to encourage Maggie to speak up and take action against this uneven labor dynamic set up in their house.
“girl don't do that. go get the massage. I'm a default stay at home mom and I simply walk out the door 😂” one user said.
Another noted, “I’m the default parent. But I started putting myself first. I will leave the kids with my husband and he figures it out. Sir you are a whole adult. Us moms have to let go of the control.”
Thankful for my husband who I could leave on a whim with our kid and I would have zero concerns! Hoping the OP and others in her comment section can find a way to the same kind of ease!
