If You Want A Village, You Have To Be A Good Villager — And This Mom Knows How

Whether you’ve been blessed with the most wonderful, active village, or you’ve experienced the struggle of getting by without one, you know how important it can be to have the support of a community behind you. Especially as a new mom, having a village to rally around you can make all the difference.

Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves village-less when we need it most, and an expecting mom points to one potential reason: “Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”

Rachel Lovely shared a video to TikTok explaining just how important it is to put in the work to build your village, and gave some tips and tricks from an expert villager: her own mom.

“My mom doesn't just build villages. She builds a bustling metropolis,” Lovely said.

Firs things first: Lovely says that a village can’t always be tit-for-tat. She explains that, when her mom does good deeds, she’s not doing it to earn a favor in return.

“She's doing it because she genuinely cares about making your life easier, because one of the common pitfalls trying to create a village is that you start keeping score,” Lovely said. “And that's not how a village is run properly,”

Next, Lovely explained that her mom isn’t preoccupied with what she does, or doesn’t, owe to others in her community.

“She's never, ever thinking to herself, like, ‘Oh, people think I'm a pushover, people are going to take advantage of me, I’m going to set these boundaries to enforce,’” she said.

In a village, people can — and should! — expect things from you. But, that also means that you can, and should, expect things from others, too. Lovely explains that, to really make a village work, you can’t always be the one doing the helping — you have to be brave enough to accept help, as well.

“There is a certain sense of ego and pride people have that disallows them from creating that community and that village, because you don't have the courage to sit humbly at the feet of the village and be like, ‘I need help. I need assistance,’” she said.

Finally, Lovely shared her least favorite lesson (and, honestly, my least favorite, too): You have to leave your house to have a village.

I know, you know! But, it really is true. How can you have a village when you’re not showing up for them at their gatherings and baby showers and holiday parties? The village can’t always come to you, sometimes — more often than not — you have to venture to it.

Lovely explained that the benefits of a village spread far beyond yourself. Recently, she said that her mom threw her a baby shower, and her village — including people who Lovely herself had never even met — showed up in spades.

“I have not bought a single thing for my baby. I have not bought one thing,” Lovely said. “Which is the biggest blessing of life. But, you know that when my friends and my family are expecting, they won't need to buy a single thing, because of the village.”

A good villager herself, Lovely plans to show up for others the way her mom’s village showed up for her. And, the comments showed up for Lovely in turn.

“This is astoundingly beautiful and wise,” one user said.

“Your mom needs to run for office,” said another (I second this).

Many in the comments shared that Lovely inspired them to start seriously seeking out their village — and I’m with them! What a — dare I say — lovely way to live!