My 5 Year Old Can’t Stop Saying F*ck

My five year old won’t stop saying fuck. And before anyone suggests I investigate where she learned it, lemme save you the time.

It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.

Both my husband and I swear a lot. More than we should, probably. And definitely more than we should around someone who is still learning to write her name. We need to reel it in, and I know it. Unfortunately, knowing it and remembering to do it in the moment are two different things.

And we have backup. As the youngest of four, with a 13-year-old at the top, all her siblings swear too. There is no shortage of material. Add in all the stuff the older kids are watching on TV and my youngest is basically getting a PhD in inappropriate language.

And God love her because she uses it correctly. She understands placement and timing. She nails emphasis when she knows the moment calls for something a little extra. She isn’t just saying a forbidden word to get a response from us, she is actually making a point. And a lot of times, she nails it.

And because of that it can be very hard to parent her with a straight face. I mean, I know I need to be the adult in the room. I know laughing doesn’t help. But when a little girl in pigtails throws out a perfectly timed “f*#%”, it just kills me. I think it’s funny, and I respect the skill. But, I also need it to stop.

And it’s pretty hard to sell her on the seriousness of a rule when the rest of the house is operating under a different one. We are telling her she can’t say a word that the rest of use – well — a lot. But, she’s now in kindergarten. She’s in a classroom with a teacher and a lot of little kids who don’t have older siblings or trash-mouthed parents and for that reason, we needed to get it under control.

So, my husband and I landed on a threat: If she kept swearing, we were going to tell her teacher.

Yes, our big, scary, mature parenting strategy was to find another adult to deal with it. Whatever.

But we thought it would work. She seemed to understand when we told her, and seemed a little nervous about the possibility — enough, maybe, to work.

But then I picked her up from school last Friday. She hopped in the car and happily announced, “Well, Mom, I told Miss Williamson that I drop F-bombs. So, now you don’t have to!”

Well.

Apparently she considered the situation and took it upon herself to get ahead of it.

So while we do still need to reel it in at home and set a better example, at least telling Miss Williamson is off my to-do list.

And honestly, my kid is a fucking legend.

Samm is an ex-lawyer and mom of four who swears a lot. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.