This Mom Doesn't Know How To Explain To Her Son That His "Best Friend" Doesn't Actually Like Him
Her heart is broken for him.
One thing about motherhood that no one prepared me for was how complicated friendship dynamics can be with your kids. Every week, they have a new best friend. They come home from school, saying that they’re former bestie is no longer, but then a few days later, they’re right as rain.
This can get even more tumultuous as kids get older (and meaner!), leaning into cliques and excluding certain kids from hangouts or inviting kids to the hangout just to be cruel. So, when do we butt in? When do we sit back and let the kids figure it out?
One mom asked the Mommit subreddit for advice because she feels totally lost about what to do about her ten-year-old son’s former friend, who isn’t that into him.
She began, “My son was diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago and has a very hard time making friends with kids his age (he's 10). He often gets ‘buzzing’ as I call it, and gets to be overstimulating for a lot of kids (me too little ones I get it). But just super hyper, yelling, etc. We're working on it. He's also very literal, blunt, and doesn't understand social cues to save his life (also working hard on that).”
She mentions that there was a classmate of her son’s with whom he appeared to be close. Her son has been referring to this child as a “best friend.”
So, she asked the parents if they could get the boys together for a playdate.
After almost worrying that she was being ghosted, she got a text back from the kid’s dad that “shattered” her heart.
“To sum it up I guess Billy doesn't share the same feelings for my son. Dad's been trying to get Billy to agree to a playdate but he finally told dad my son's been rude to him, he doesn't like how he plays, and doesn't really want him at their house. (And to note dad was very gentle about all of this and very kind as much as one could be in this situation),” she explained.
Now, she is asking for help on how to explain this to her son.
“I'm just so sad for him. I know it's something we can work on; we've talked about consequences of our actions with our peers before, but my heart just breaks for him to some extent,” she concluded.
The most upvoted comment on the thread noted that she should be firm but gentle with her son, stick to the facts of how this other classmate is feeling.
“I would tell him the behaviors that Billy has mentioned upsets him. Not in an angry way, but in a very matter of fact way. ‘People do not like it when you do X, Y, Z. The consequence of you doing X Y and Z is that you will not have playdates,’” they wrote.
“Comfort him if he's upset but don't excuse the behaviors or blame the other child. Make it clear that it's the behaviors that are the issue, not an intrinsic issue with your kid. Try role-playing situations where he is rude and help him find alternative actions.”
Another sympathized and said, “I’m sorry. That really sucks. Is he in any sort of counseling? If not, can he meet with the school counselor (after break)? Maybe you could talk to them ahead of time and explain this situation and they can help you explain it to him in the best way. If he can’t meet with anyone until after break, I’d probably try to hold off on the conversation until then.”
Another user with a son who has been through a similar experience had some helpful suggestions.
“We continue to work on social skills. There's really only three things to worry about when raising kids:
- Keep them safe
- Try and make them happy
- Make sure they don't grow up to be an asshole.
🤷♂️ not everyone will be friends (despite best efforts/intentions). Work on the behavior stuff and maybe bff will come around, and if not, that's ok. Your son will make new friends and be fine. At that age, its unlikely any of those friendships would be long-lasting anyways.”
Read the entire thread here.
