What’s With My Kid’s Obsession With “Bad Guys”?

Alarmingly, "bad guys" have begun to crop up in my 3 1/2-year-old's imaginary play. One day, the "bad guy" sneezes and falls into a garbage truck. (Serves him right... I guess?) Another day, the Hulk or some other menacing character is cast out as the culprit for god-knows-what, honestly.

So far, the storylines seem boring at best, benign at worst. But I worry, as moms do, that this type of play will snowball into violence, nightmares, biases, or even low self-esteem if my kid starts to self-identify as a bad guy himself. To stem potential damage, I've taken to rattling off some script about good people who do bad things and pray that I'm handling it correctly. But we all know that there are some pretty bad dudes out there. And hey, I'm a mom — not an expert.

To find out whether my child is careening toward psychopath status, I reached out to Aliza Pressman, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and co-founding director of The Mount Sinai Parenting Center at Mount Sinai Hospital's Icahn School of Medicine and the author of The 5 Principles of Parenting, and Michele Borba, Ph.D., an educational psychologist and the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.

Why Bad Guys Come Up in Pretend Play

Cue sweet relief: Pressman and Borba both tell me that this kind of pretend play isn't always a sign of trauma or a precursor to emotional issues. In fact, it's a common tool kids use to make sense of the world.

It also helps kids get a grip on fears that start to mount in toddlerhood, Borba says — one reason why both she and Pressman are fans.

They often see the good vs. bad thing surface among younger kids who don't have the skills to see the gray area between moral extremes, Pressman tells me. When kids play out scenes where characters teeter on unethical or harmful, they're working to establish values and understand which behaviors they should and shouldn't tolerate. "There's no reason to sound the alarm if they are trying to figure out good and bad," Borba says.

That said, imagining unsavory situations can sometimes be a sign that kids are encountering issues they don't have the words to discuss or don't feel safe addressing outright. It's one reason parents should use pretend play as a window to observe their kids and suss out what's really going on at school or on the playground.

Of course, foul play isn't always to blame when bad guys surface in pretend play. When kids overhear broadcasters or grown-ups they know discussing war, shootings, fires, and climate change, they can internalize it in a phenomenon known as "Mean World Syndrome," Borba tells me. Their play, she says, could reflect this exposure.

When to Worry About Bad Guys in Pretend Play

If pretend play featuring bad guys feels fun and joyful, chances are it's nothing to worry about. "They're just having fun," Borba says.

But because kids often model what they see IRL when they resort to make-believe, troubling play that's consistent could be a sign your child may be undergoing some sort of trauma.

If you're seeing changes in both play and behavior — think, regressions, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or resistance to certain activities — Borba says it's worth asking some questions. To uncover the inspiration behind a make-believe scenario, simply asking, "Has this ever happened to you or your friends?" can help reveal where and when they've seen the bad guy behaviors they're mimicking and who was involved.

You can also ask teachers or other caretakers if they've noticed any changes in your kid's behavior, and you can look for patterns — i.e., bad guy play on Tuesdays after art class — that could clue you into the source. If you don't feel qualified to play detective, it could be time to get a second opinion from a school counselor or child psychologist.

Perfecting the Good Mom's "Bad Guy" Talk Track

To get to the bottom of why bad guys keep making cameos in your playroom, get on the floor with them and really listen. "Sometimes being there can be enough," explains Borba.

Alternatively, you can open up a dialogue later on, like during carpool when your kid is strapped into their seat or right before bedtime. And no matter how much you do or don't get out of them, capping things off with, "I'm glad we had this talk. I'm always here for you," will plant the seed they can confide in you forevermore. (Aren't you the good guy!?)

Somehow, my go-to parenting script on good guys and bad guys also earns Pressman's approval. "Behavior can be good or bad and many other things in between, but people are not good or bad," she confirms, encouraging me to reassure my kid that I'll always be there to keep him safe.

But, as I'm learning, the best response really depends on the scenario your kid's playing out. When violence comes up, parents can help kids learn to confront such behaviors by asking, "What would you like to say to the bad guy?" Then, Borba suggests encouraging them to practice that response by teaching it to a doll or teddy bear in trouble.

When it's time to punish the bad guy, Borba tells me to let my kid brainstorm a punishment that fits the crime to help them make sense of consequences.

Lastly, she suggests swapping roles so the good guy plays the bad guy and vice versa. The lesson here is empathy, an early lesson in emotional literacy.

Otherwise? Just speak from the heart and trust your gut — no one knows your child and what they'll respond to better than you.