Do You Have An "Ask Family" Or A "Guess Family"?
Communication styles tend to run in families, and these two camps see relationships and requests very differently.
Being in a relationship can often be a great way to learn about yourself. Specifically, it can challenge your idea of normal. Like, the serving sizes of ice cream I give my children are wildly different from the ones my husband does and, ultimately, it comes down to what our mothers scooped up for us.
For a lot of couples, ingrained communication styles can be another point of contradiction and, if they’re not careful, conflict.
Jessie Stephens, one of the hosts of Mamamia Out Loud, recently reflected on this topic on the podcast’s TikTok account. Specifically about “Ask families” and “Guess families.” “I’ve since had an epiphany that this is a central tension in my relationship with my partner,” she says.
The idea is simple: families often fall into those who forthrightly ask for what they need (Ask families) and those who encourage others to guess their needs so that those needs do not have to be directly asked (Guess families).
“I absolutely grew up in a Guess family,” says Stephens. “What that means is that you don’t really directly ask for anything ever. ... The thought of asking someone for help ... makes me feel physically sick. I would simply never do it.”
“In our family,” she continues later, “it is understood that ... when you ask something of someone you put them in the difficult position of potentially having to say no. So if I ask someone a favor, for example. That’s a lot of pressure. So you’re going to really consider whether or not you do that to someone.”
Stephen's partner, however, is from an Ask family.
“And in Ask families, you just say what you want or what you need and it’s on the other person to say yes or no,” she explains. “There’s no pressure, he accepts the no, there’s nothing emotional in it. Don’t be passive aggressive, just say what you want.”
She offers the example of both parties needing help moving apartments. For her part, Stephens would never ask. But if she was with a friend who she knew might be willing to help out, she might ask what they were doing that weekend and then casually reveal that she was moving, hoping they would pick up on her desire to have them help her.
Her partner, on the other hand, would just ask some friends. If they said yes, great. If they said no, that’s fine, too.
“All [of them] might say no and he’d say ‘OK’ and move on and not lose any sleep over it,” she says. “That would ruin my year. The only time I would ever ask something of someone is if I was absolutely certain the answer was going to be yes.”
Over in the comments, the Askers were (perhaps unsurprisingly) very forthright in their desire for the Guessers to be bolder.
“We’re an ask family,” says one. “We refuse to play the passive guess game and insist the kids ask. There’s no acknowledging ‘It would be nice if I had ketchup.’ We respond to direct asks. It’s a life skill.”
“As someone from an Ask family, Guess people come across as so passive aggressive and condescending to me,” says another. “I think this comes from having a friend that was a Guess friend who would then guilt me for not picking up on the hints. It honestly drives me nuts. If you want help, just ask! I’m not a monster, I’m not going to hate you for asking. We are friends.”
“I’m an ask person. Came from a guess family. Can’t stand tiptoeing or guessing what they need. My kids can ask me for anything and I’ll tell them yes if we can, or the reasons why we can’t… and there's no hard feelings or deflated expectations.”
But that’s not to say the Guessers didn’t have anything to contribute to the conversation.
“Am I the only one who thinks the Ask method is way more pressure?” asks one. “The person is put on the spot and has to respond directly? Instead of coming to it themselves if they want to.”
“I'm from a Guess family,” says another. “I don’t know how to ask for help. Then I get really upset when no one helps me. And when I’m desperate and I DO ask for help, and I get a no I’m devastated!”
There is a lot that goes into whether one prefers an Ask or Guess communication style. Gender, culture, and myriad other factors can play a part. Ultimately, however, it’s helpful to know which style you use, which you prefer, and why that is. Your future conversations (and conversation partners) will benefit, I promise.
