How Often Should Couples Kiss?

There are so many "rules" for having a good relationship. Don't go to bed angry, always be willing to forgive, never forget to kiss each other good night... it often feels a little overwhelming, especially if you're feeling insecure about your relationship. But that last one always stands out the most to me. My husband and I are big kissers — kisses as we pass each other in the kitchen, pecks on the couch while we watch a movie, full-on making out like teenagers even if it doesn't lead to anything else — but it's one of those affection things that can easily be forgotten in a comfortable, happy relationship. You've probably already thought about how often you and your partner have sex and wondered if it was enough, but what about kissing? How often should couples kiss, and what does it mean if you and your partner aren't big kissers?

"There is no one correct answer to the question of how often couples 'should' kiss," says couples therapist Danielle Dellaquila. "As with many questions about what is 'normal' or 'not normal' in relationships, it ultimately depends on the relationship and the specific needs of the individuals involved." So, you know, kind of like figuring out the right amount of sex a couple should have.

Because the truth is, even in a well-matched relationship with people who love each other very much, Dellaquila says it's very common for those partners to have different needs regarding physical affection. Communicating about their needs, and considering what they want and desire, as well as their partners' needs, is vital. "It is also important to communicate about how each partner defines physical affection and what makes them feel most validated in this way. For some people, kissing is a significant way to show physical affection. However, others feel more connected through cuddling, holding hands, hugging, or even a gentle touch throughout the day," she says.

If you find that you want to kiss more often but your partner isn't as into it, it might be time to dive into your love languages — which is a form of intimacy in itself. If your love language is physical affection, but your partner's isn't, Dellaquila says they just may not even be thinking of kissing or physical intimacy in the same way you are, so don't take it personally. "If they are aware that their partner does value physical affection, then they can try to keep in mind to be more mindful of trying to show love through kissing or other ways of physical affection. In turn, it will be important for their partner to reciprocate by prioritizing what they need and their own love language as well," she says.

Bottom line: There isn't a set rule for kissing. It's just about valuing and prioritizing intimacy in your relationship, no matter how that looks.

"The old saying about giving your partner a kiss every night before bed has some truth to it, but the important point in this is really about establishing some form of connection or emotional intimacy at some point each day," Dellaquila says. "Again, this does not necessarily have to be through a kiss but could be shown through an 'I love you,' a hug, cuddling, or any other way the couple feels close and connected."

I feel like every person in a relationship can feel when things are a bit off, and if you haven't been able to pinpoint something happening between you and your partner, maybe it's time to lean over and give them a smooch.

If you and your partner both feel totally satisfied with your level of kissing, that's obviously the perfect amount. Even if your kissing only occurs during more physically intimate moments, Dellaquila says as long as both partners are having their needs met, there's no reason to start scheduling random make-out sessions or pecks on the cheek throughout the day. "What's most important is that there is some form of connection or intimacy that occurs consistently, allowing both partners to feel prioritized and valued in the relationship."

If you need more kisses, try asking for them. Try initiating more kisses to see how your partner feels, or letting them know how much you love a kiss on the cheek randomly or a longer kiss before bed. The more you and your partner can communicate about what you both like and need when it comes to physical affection, the more your intimacy levels will rise for both of you.

And hey, don't we all want our kids to be grossed out by how often their parents love on each other?