I Can’t — & Won’t — Force My Husband To Go To The Doctor

Every so often, my husband will complain of a new pain in his leg or his arm or his back. Sometimes, he’ll notice an odd-looking mole somewhere on his body and point it out to me, his voice full of concern.

Being the loving, caring wife that I am, I’ll drop what I’m doing and run to his side to evaluate the situation, offering a Band-Aid or pain reliever or just a listening ear, whatever the issue requires.

Just kidding. We have four kids, who always have weird complaints about mysterious ailments. I have to investigate theirs. I don’t have time for anyone else’s.

That may sound heartless, but my husband is an adult who’s in charge of his own health. And if something is truly concerning him, he can make a doctor’s appointment. In fact, these random aches and pains happen so often that I’ve instituted a rule: “If you’re not going to see a doctor about it, you’re not allowed to complain about it.”

But therein lies the problem — he won’t.

Over and over again I hear, “I don’t need to go to a doctor.” He likens it to a car inspection: “If you take your car to a mechanic, they’re going to find something wrong.”

I disagree. I’ve gone to plenty of honest mechanics over the years who have passed my car at inspection time with no issues. I’ve gone to my primary care physician for annual checkups and received no bad news. And by now, we know that preventative care is key to our health — it’s less invasive and more cost-effective. It’s easier — and cheaper — to fill a cavity than treat an infected tooth. Screening tests can find breast, cervical, colorectal, and lung cancers early, meaning your outcome is likely to be much better if you catch them in the early stages.

I wonder, then, if it’s a macho thing: “I can take care of myself”? Is going to the doctor equivalent to asking for directions — it’s just hard for men to admit they may need help? Whatever it is, it’s not just my husband. Studies show men really do avoid going to the doctor. Women in my moms’ group ask for recommendations for physicians for the men in their lives, because they know the only way to get their husbands to go is to make the appointment themselves.

I refuse on principle to do this. I’m not in charge of my husband’s schedule. I don’t even hold our insurance — he does — so logistically it makes sense for him to make his own appointments. I won’t nag him about it either because, again, he’s not my child. Every once in a while, I’ll offer a gentle reminder: “Remember you’re supposed to have bloodwork done; maybe you could go this weekend?” Or I will — if I’m feeling extra nurturing that day — offer to schedule his eye appointment on the same day as mine because we have the same optometrist.

But I do worry about his health. Heart problems run in his family, and since having kids, both of us have gained weight and rarely exercise. His blood pressure is high, and with our busy schedules, we don’t always eat the most nutritious meals. He snores badly at night, making me wonder if he has sleep apnea, which also plays a part in heart health.

Of course, I don’t want him to die young and miss out on so much of our children’s lives because he didn’t take better care of himself. So I feel like this is one battle I should choose to fight. But when I think about putting myself in charge of his health while also being in charge of my health and all four of our children’s health — being in charge of six people’s health — it’s simply too much.

And in a perfect, equitable world, it wouldn’t even be a question. My time is no less valuable than his. Nothing in my genetic code makes me more adept at making phone calls. I do not love our family any more than he does. He — like so many men it seems — just won’t do it. And I’m at a total loss for how to make it happen.

Lauren Davidson is a Pittsburgh-based writer and editor focusing on parenting, arts and culture, and weddings. She has worked at newspapers and magazines in New England and western Pennsylvania and is a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh with degrees in English and French. She lives with her editor husband, four energetic kids, and one affectionate cat. Follow her on Twitter @laurenmylo.