Is âEmotional Labor Creepâ Happening In Your Relationship?
Or are things actually divided nicely?

Emotional labor is a loaded term, and one thatâs become mainstream over the years â for good reason. The term âemotional laborâ is meant to reflect the work one person does, emotionally and mentally, for another without any help or partnership. Like moms being the ones to remember a kidâs entire nap and feeding schedule, or stay-at-home parents who have to be in charge of all the clothing sizes for everyone in their family, or keeping up with what everyoneâs eating each week as they grocery shop.
But it can also be focused on the relationship itself, says Arkadiy Volkov, RP, clinical director at Feel Your Way Therapy. Volkov has been a psychotherapist for 11 years, and says this is something he sees often with clients. âEmotional labor is a kind of invisible work we do in a relationship,â he says. âWe check on the temperature of a relationship to make sure it doesnât get too low or high, and that our partner is fine. Checking in, we remember what is important to our partner. We know their needs, worries, experiences, and we are constantly aware of where they are at.â
Itâs more than just listening; itâs planning for the future, noticing things, tracking and absorbing what our partners share with us, and then responding. âThat is a beautiful thing when we can make the relationship so valuable for us,â Volkov says. âHowever, it can also be a lot to bear at times. That happens when it is shifting in one direction. It is a lot of weight to carry and becomes like a second job.â
And then thereâs the whole managing a family aspect of emotional labor. Caleb Simonyi-Gindele, a clinical counselor with Therapevo Counseling, tells Scary Mommy that emotional labor can also be the âburden of managing or carrying emotions in a family context,â like one partner carrying most or all of the worry of financial troubles or a struggling child.
Because itâs been talked about so much, it feels like relationships are getting better at making sure the emotional labor is evenly distributed. But what if thereâs an âemotional labor creep,â and how do you know if itâs happening in your relationship?
What is âemotional labor creep,â and how do you know if itâs happening in your relationship?
âI hear about this a lot from my clients. It creeps very slowly because the partners go from being there for each other, and then it changes. One partner becomes the âemotional managerâ of the other,â Volkov says. âIt builds up to a point where there is frustration and resentment and a lot of hurt. One client described it to me as being an emotional âshock absorber.â Whenever something happens to the other partner, they become the one who has to absorb it.â
He says a good way to tell if this is happening in your relationship is to ask yourself if you feel responsible for keeping peace in the relationship, or if you have to maintain your partnerâs emotional balance: âAsk, âDo I get the same support when Iâm under pressure? Sad? Hurt?â Check in with yourself. Are you able to share your struggles with your partner, or is there no space for that?â
Simonyi-Gindele agrees, saying, âI think a good standard to determine how this is balanced in oneâs relationship is to examine who is bringing up unresolved issues more? Are you both asserting yourselves equally, or has one person become responsible to table all the concerns, chores, and planning for the family unit?â
Even if you feel like your partner is trying and you feel like the two of you work well together to avoid one person taking on the brunt of the work, it can be easy to slip into the habits that make âemotional labor creepâ happen. Maybe youâre exhausted or agitated by the work, or you feel resentment building when youâre asked â again â about the soccer practice times, even though you have it on a calendar. And maybe even broaching the subject with your partner and asking them to help you figure out this imbalance feels like more work.
âIf youâre the only one who seems concerned about the challenges your family is facing, youâre probably carrying the bulk of the emotional burden,â says Simonyi-Gindele. âSomehow, youâve become responsible for the emotional labor. You may also notice it if youâre the one in the relationship who is reminding your partner more often about things that need to be taken care of, or providing initiative for dealing with either chores or challenges, or if youâre the one to frequently raise unresolved points of conflict.â
Melissa Gluck, founding partner and psychologist at Gluck Psychology Collective, adds, âIf a partner takes full ownership of a task, from noticing it needs to be done to following it through without reminders, it significantly lightens the mental load. If youâre constantly quarterbacking the day-to-day needs of your relationship or home â and maybe even feeling a little resentful every time you have to remind your partner to do that simple task they had already agreed to do â thatâs a sign emotional labor is likely weighing on you.â
How to talk about âemotional labor creepâ with your partner?
So now what? How do you fix this imbalance?
âCulturally, women in heterosexual partnerships have been socialized to take on more of the emotional labor, and men to affirm this role,â Simonyi-Gindele says. âCouples who find themselves in an unfairly balanced situation will need to scrutinize the interpersonal factors as well as cultural or family of origin â socialization â factors that contribute to an imbalance.â
He adds that in some families, partners may complement each other, with one providing planning and the other bringing spontaneity to the relationship. This is fine, but he says at the end of the day, itâs about the equal distribution of emotional labor. And that means you have to talk to your partner about what is fair. It may not be that the solution is 50/50, but rather that both people should contribute to collective tasks and challenges of their family in ways that can play to their respective strengths while also being fair. (Meaning, one of you canât decide that grocery shopping is never your strength, you know?)
âFor example, even if partner A is the one physically going grocery shopping, if partner B is the one figuring out which recipes to make for the week, writing out the grocery list, and noticing which ingredients are almost gone, then partner B is still doing a significant portion of the work,â says Gluck. âEven if partner A wipes down the table, does the dishes, and takes out the garbage, if they only do it after partner B has asked or reminded them to do so, then partner B is the one carrying the responsibility of remembering, delegating, and following up â aka carrying the mental load.â
Gluck recommends navigating conversations about mental load and emotional labor with the Fair Play Deck, based on Eve Rodskyâs book of the same name. âItâs an incredible tool for bringing hidden â or not-so-hidden â dynamics into light. It reframes household and relationship responsibilities as âcardsâ that can be actively and consciously divided so that both partners share not only the doing, but also the thinking and planning that keeps the ship moving.â