OK, Can We Talk About Our Sex Dreams?

Everybody knows it’s a given: Sex changes as you get older. Maybe it’s better, maybe it’s worse. Maybe you’re having a lot more of it than you ever did before, and maybe you’re completely over it and fine if it never happens again in your lifetime. But nobody ever really talks about sex dreams and how they can change as you age. Sure, a “wet dream” sounds like a punchline to a joke, but if they happened during puberty, why can’t they still happen? And doesn’t an orgasm in your sleep feel like the best of both worlds?

Luckily, Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist at Passionerad, tells Scary Mommy that sex dreams are not only still possible — they’re common. She says a 2020 study found that over 70% of the population has had a sex dream. “The sex dreams mainly happen during REM sleep, which is the phase where we dream the most, and the brain is almost as active as when we're awake. The dreams are often quite surprising, intense, and at times even taboo and purely inappropriate, and that’s completely normal!”

Malia Lazu, a certified sex therapy practitioner and the founder of Sunflower Spa, agrees and says that frequency and intensity can also fluctuate as people age. “Men also report having more sex dreams than women,” she says. “Which could be for a host of reasons, including sex being more on their mind.”

The good news is, even before we were all reading erotic fiction about sex with faeries and ogres, our weird, hot dreams were normalized. And if you managed to have an orgasm during those dreams — even better.

While a “wet dream” has always been more about waking up fully aroused, Roos says it is possible to have a full orgasm in your sleep, even without being touched or physically stimulated. “Many women experience something called ‘sleep orgasm,’ also called a ‘nocturnal orgasm,’ which is a full proper climax happening when sleeping,” she says. “They’re physical, meaning that they’re leading to muscle tension, increased pulse and breathing, but do also release dopamine, which leads to some women waking up in the middle of the night from the kick, while others wake up in the morning feeling a bit extra rested.”

“Our brain processes orgasms by opening the floodgates of the reward centers, releasing neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin that create feelings of intense pleasure,” says Lazu. “The brain also activates its sensory processes to receive physical and neurochemical signals. After the peak brain activity, other hormones are released to bring about feelings of satisfaction.”

Turns out that when you’re having an arousal dream, the same parts in your brain are activated as when you are awake and turned on. “When asleep, our body is relaxed, but the vagina can still get filled with blood, and you can still get wet. As the pelvic floor muscles tense from the stimulation you have in your dream, you’re also able to climax. This happens naturally and without us needing to move or stimulate ourselves more than mentally or via our dream. Many believe it’s a way for the body to process needs and emotions connected to lust, intimacy, and love, as well as to release pressure.”

And if you’re concerned about your sex dreams, don’t be. Roos says that your dreams in general are a big mixture, and sex dreams don’t always have to do with attraction. Dreaming of sex with a faceless person? Dreaming of sex with your partner but not actually having an orgasm? Dreaming of some rogue being doing something to you that you wouldn’t normally like and having an orgasm?

Normal, normal, normal.

“The brain mixes memories, feelings, and fantasies when sleeping, which is why sex dreams can feel so real, but also unexpected, because they’re a cocktail of many kinds of impressions,” Roos says. They can mirror your need for intimacy, a curiosity you haven’t embraced, or a longing for emotional connection.

Lazu agrees, and says sex dreams are “one of the most fun and pleasurable forms of lucid dreaming.”