Ask Scary Mommy: How Do I Keep My 10-Year-Old Son From Swallowing The Red Pill?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

One of the hardest lessons to learn as a parent is that your kid is not necessarily always going to listen to you, think like you, or have the same set of values as you. It’s simply the way of the world. That can be OK if you end up having different views on, like... government spending or zone defense... but it can be nothing less than heartbreaking if you find that you can’t respect or be around your child’s views and morals. That’s our tough topic this week.

Dear Scary Mommy,

How do I keep my 10-year-old son from swallowing the red pill? We raised him to love everyone, to treat everyone equality and so on, but now that he’s in elementary school, he’s exposed to so much that we don’t have control of. Specifically, one of his closest friends seems like he’s being influenced by his dad, which is trickling down to my son. Right now it’s just little hints — like little words or ideas — but I see it getting worse in the future.

One thing I worry about is if his “uncool” mom tells him the world is one way, or that certain ideas are not credible, he’ll rebel against me like any teenager would. His dad isn’t around, which I think might make him even more vulnerable.

— Scared Scary Mommy

Dear Scared Scary Mommy,

It is so hard. No matter how much effort we spend on raising our kids “right” when they are super young, it all seems to go out the window the moment they go to school and are surrounded with influences that we can’t control — like how I poured effort into making sure my kid had a healthy relationship with food and her body image, only for it to all go to waste the moment she walked through the doors of a middle school and was surrounded by diet culture and fat-shaming.

And, as you say, as our kids reach the tween and teen phases, our words not only mean a lot less to them, but they could actually push your kid in the other direction. In fact, science has shown that teens’ brains literally tune out their parents’ voices when they hit puberty.

With that being said, I think there are a few pieces you can put in place to help your son stay on a path that’s true to him and not filled with hatred or misinformation. Let’s do bullet points!

• Center male role models. The only thing more persuasive than a weird podcaster on the internet is a real, true person whom you have a relationship with. Maybe it’s a grandfather or trusted uncle. Maybe it’s a coach or a teacher. Just make sure they have quality time to talk reasonable men in their real, day-to-day lives. Someone whom they can ask, “I heard this on TikTok, what do you think about it?” Or someone who can say, “I heard your friend talking about [issue] and I wanted to offer a different angle...”

• Teach critical thinking. So much of red pill culture falls apart if you have critical thinking skills. Try to avoid just telling your son that what he heard was wrong. Instead, ask him a few questions that get him to make his own conclusions. A great exercise is sitting down with him and watching a toxic video and chatting about it without leading him down the path you want him to go. Or, if you hear his friend say something red-pilly, bring it up with your son through questions and exploration instead of in a lecture form.

• Be aware of your kid’s online life. I’m pretty convinced at this point that you cannot shelter your children from the world — and that includes YouTube and the online world in general. But you can be aware of where and when and how they are online. For boys, online gaming and YouTube can be some of the worst environments. And why you can’t protect them, especially as they get up in their teens, you can educate them, limit their time, and set boundaries. Make sure they know about algorithms — and how all of these communities put making money ahead of kids, what’s right, or what’s true.

• Don’t ignore the struggles of men and boys. Honestly, a lot of boys are red-pilled because they’ve heard so much negative talk about males. Can you blame them for being hurt or offended? Be sure to acknowledge that, first and foremost, men are hurt by the patriarchy, too. Boys are socialized into toxic behavior from the time they’re babies. They are not bad or evil just for being men — they are loved, they are equal, and their feelings are valid. They are not a stereotype. Many men get red-pilled because they are lonely and isolated, or because they’ve been rejected. Many boys and men are angry, and angry at the world. Keep that in the front of your mind.

• Fill their lives with other interests. If your child has other things to focus on, he won’t have the time or interest in watching eight hours of Joe Rogan in his room. If he has strong communities in real life, he won’t need to find his identity with the Proud Boys. If he’s exposed to diverse people, places, and ideas, he can learn so much for himself that will override the talking heads on the internet. This is easier said than done, but promote and encourage any healthy interests your kid has.

After a certain point, it can be pretty useless to lecture your kid about what you think is right or wrong. As parents of double-digit kids, we’ll find more success in pointing them in the right direction, teaching them skills, and surrounding them with information, community, and love. Hope this helps.

— Scary Mommy

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If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!