This Could Be The Last Christmas My Kid Believes, & I’m Not OK

My 10-year-old has always been a pretty practical, no-nonsense kind of kid, so I've always been surprised by how completely he's leaned into the idea of Santa Claus.

On Christmas Eve, he and his dad are glued to the Santa tracker, watching the sleigh make its stops around the world. He checks in with me often throughout the month of December, making sure I sent his Christmas list via snail mail, wondering which items the big guy will deliver that year. He has the hardest time falling asleep on Dec. 24, so full of anticipation for what the morning will bring.

For the past few years, I thought: This has got to be the year he stops believing. I knew more and more kids in his class were starting to find out the truth, and I was prepared for him to start asking more questions.

The closest we came was when he mentioned that one friend believed in Santa but not the Easter Bunny. "That's weird. Why wouldn't you believe in the Easter Bunny?" I replied off the cuff, hoping he wouldn't push the issue. He didn't.

I'm eager for him to believe as long as possible. I love that my tween, who is already too cool to be seen with me in public, has held on to this vestige of his childhood. I'll miss the child-like joy he has when he talks about those elves in the North Pole and postulates why Santa didn't just put lights on his sleigh instead of depending on Rudolph.

But I know it can't last forever. And I'm worried.

I'm worried he won't look at me the same after he finds out. He's my buddy, my pal. We'll stop and get ice cream together after his soccer practices without telling his younger siblings. I'll let him stay up late reading chapter books with me or tossing a football around his room while he tells me about his school day. We talk about the small things and the big things.

So how could I not tell him about Santa?

What does it do to a kid who sees the world in black and white to find out this one big fantasy from his childhood has been a lie? I worry he'll stop trusting his dad and me to tell him the truth. And with Santa goes the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy — a triple whammy to his imagination.

Part of me wonders if he's already figured it out but is holding on because he's just not quite ready to grow up. My stoic kid loves holidays, and I think even if he's intellectually ready to know the truth, he's not ready to give up this part of the holiday season magic.

Yes, when he asks me directly, I will reveal it all to him. But I plan to tell him that just because there's not a jolly old man in a red suit dropping off presents in the middle of the night doesn't mean that the spirit of Santa Claus isn't real. There's still so much beauty and joy to be found in the lights and carols and sparkly presents, and the spirit of giving is alive and well this time of year, and I hope he'll still experience all of that.

If I've learned anything in 10 years of parenting, I've learned that this kid never fails to surprise me with his wisdom and perseverance, and I'm going to lean on that when the time comes. I have confidence he'll take it in stride and become committed to his big brother role of keeping the magic alive for his siblings.

At least, that's what I have to believe.

Lauren Davidson is a Pittsburgh-based writer and editor focusing on parenting, arts and culture, and weddings. She has worked at newspapers and magazines in New England and western Pennsylvania and is a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh with degrees in English and French. She lives with her editor husband, four energetic kids, and one affectionate cat. Follow her on Twitter @laurenmylo.