Here’s The Perfect Response To When Husbands Say, "Just Ask Me For Help!"
When partners say, "We're not mind readers," this is what they don't understand.
Yes, husbands are helping more than ever before. So, why does it still feel like the weight of the world rests on the mother’s shoulders when it comes to parenting and household tasks? A lot of the answer rests in three words: the mental load. Even when men are picking up the slack or significantly pitching in, the women in their lives continue to be the ones managing projects, keeping track of information, and making sure every ball stays in the air.
Many times, when a mom voices her complete exhaustion and overwhelm, her husband’s response is: “Just tell me what needs to be done! Just ask for help! I’m not a mindreader!”
And therein lies the heart of the problem.
This week on Instagram, one of our favorite follows, working mom @sheisapaigeturner, explains why, “Just ask me for help!” and “Just tell me what you need!” are not what default parents and mental load-carriers need to be hearing.
“I just had a man comment on one of my videos and he said, ‘I don't know why women don’t ask for help when they're burnt out from the mental load. It's not that hard. Just ask for help. We're not mind readers. We can't help you unless you ask us for help,’” she begins her video.
Her response puts so much into words what moms feel.
“I honestly find it so funny because men say all of this all the time,” she continues. “But I wonder, did they have to ask their wife to make dinner for the kids? Did they have to ask her to fold the laundry and then remind her when she forgot? Did they have to ask her to drop the kids off at school and pick them up and make sure they had lunches and snacks packed? Did they have to ask her to plan the birthday party and make sure the kids had gifts? Did they have to ask her to take them to the dentist appointment or the doctor's appointment and fill out all the forms? Did they have to ask her to sign 'em up for summer camp or swim lessons or baseball, whatever it might be?”
It’s implied that, nope, they did not ask their wives to do these things.
“Did they have to ask her to do any of those things or did she just do it,” she asks rhetorically. “Because that is part of being a parent and managing a home and all the things that go into it now, that's the difference. Men sit there and they say, I'm happy to help if you ask, but if you don't ask me, please don't expect me to empty the dishwasher or to take out the trash or to pick up the kids from school or sign 'em up for summer camp unless you ask me. I'm not doing it.”
She then dismantles many men’s next argument: that they can’t read minds.
“And I know that some men are going to come in here and say, ‘Hey, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what she wants me to do. Does she want me to fold the laundry or make dinner? She has to tell me what takes priority.’ But what that tells me is you think she's the manager of the house, that ultimately it's her job to decide. You can't make that decision for yourself because you don't know enough about the home and the kids to make that decision.”
What it all comes down to is that if you have to have someone ask you to do something, you aren’t managing the house or your family. You’re just helping the manager who are directly asked to complete a task.
“Here's the thing, your wife doesn't want to ask you for help because what that insinuates is, it's her job, it's her responsibility, and that you're just there to lend a hand when it's convenient for you,” she concludes. “And ultimately, it's her job. And if a ball gets dropped, it's hers to pick it up. But if she drops a ball, you're not going to be there behind her. And that is not fair. That is not a relationship that feels fair to her. So of course she's burnt out. So you coming to her and saying, ‘Just ask me, I'm happy to help,’ is not helpful at all.”
Down in the comments, women felt seen.
“Men are ‘natural born leaders’ but can’t figure out what to do without being told,” one woman wrote. “Can we start forcibly removing high ranking job titles and give them to women that actively show good leadership day in day out please?”
Another shared, “Our therapist said, ‘ur wife doesn’t have to ask for help bc it implies it’s her job alone, it’s both of ur home both ur responsibility.’”
A man chimed in, “For the men complaining, if men are roommates with each other, do you need your roommates to speak up and ask you to do dishes, take out trash, clean the toilet? Or are you able to see with your working eyeballs what needs to be done in your shared space? It’s not ‘helping,’ it is contributing to the cleanliness of your shared living space.”
And a very helpful woman shared the helpful thing she tells her husband when he needs direction: “I always tell my husband ‘pretend I’m dead’ then figure out how all of this would get done.”
What’s the bottom line? Our households won’t be equal until couples learn how to split the mental load, not just the tasks associated with it.
