Three Questions Grandparents Should Ask Before Offering Parenting Advice
We know you mean well, but take a beat and figure out if this is the time to make suggestions.
When it comes to raising my children, I don’t know what I would have done without my mother’s advice. She was the veteran parent of four kids — some of us easier to raise than others — and it felt like there was nothing she didn’t know. Even in instances where her advice ultimately didn’t turn out helpful for my particular situation, I was happy to be able to bounce ideas off of her... but I cannot say the same of every older person who offered my childrearing advice. I know I’m not alone in this, and so does DeeDee Moore, a grandma who runs the TikTok account @morethangrand and accompanying site. In a recent video, she offered some guidance on the best way to give helpful advice to adult children. “Pause,” she offers, “and ask yourself these three important questions...”
“Was I asked for this input?”
“If parents haven’t specifically asked for your opinion they may not be open to receiving it,” she says. “No matter how valuable you think it is.”
I’m going to give this advice the Adult Child Seal of Approval. It’s rare that unsolicited advice is welcome. Every now and then you luck out, but that’s the exception, not the rule.
“Is this about safety or preference?”
“Safety concerns might warrant speaking up,” she says. “But preferences like how they dress the baby or which foods they introduce first are their domain.”
It’s true! If you know about a product recall or new safety guidelines that might be relevant it’s good to (respectfully, compassionately, and tactfully) mention something. Like, if you see a baby’s car seat is installed improperly say something like “Oh! I just learned about this the other day. The chest clip is actually meant to be worn a little higher” or whatever.
But if safety isn’t the issue maybe just leave it be. And, so we’re all on the same page, the baby not wearing socks is not a safety concern. We know a lot of you get very upset about this, but the baby is just fine. No baby got frostbite because they weren’t wearing socks in a 67 degree house.
“What’s my real motivation?”
“Be honest with yourself: are you trying to be helpful or are you trying to show your expertise or even assert control?”
This takes a lot of reflection and humility but it’s so, so clutch. Because motivations might seem intuitive but there’s often more going on than we might initially think. No one is immune to this, of course. Grandparents do it, but so do their Millennial and Gen Z children and Gen Alpha grandchildren. Relationships are tricky and so too is figuring out how our own ego factors into them.
But having the wisdom to parse that is an invaluable skill.
“Knowing when and how to give advice can transform your relationship with your adult children,” Moore concludes, “and helps you become the supportive grandparent they need.”
We do need you, grandparents. But please let us take the lead on letting you know how.
