Ask Scary Mommy: Should I Let My Kindergartener Play With Older Neighborhood Kids This Summer?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

If your kids haven’t been released into the wilds of summer vacation yet, chances are that they will be soon. And with those 10 glorious weeks of unstructured fun and sun come a lot of new issues for parents to navigate, including childcare, safety, and new social dynamics. While you can be somewhat assured that your kid is in an appropriate (and appropriately monitored) social situation during the school year, things can get fuzzy pretty quickly in your summer arrangements, whether it’s a camp or just some vintage neighborhood hangouts.

What happens if your kid doesn’t get along with the neighborhood kids they are thrown in with during summer break? Or what if you don’t like the climate of the group? Or what if, for whatever reason, your kid doesn’t fit in in one way or another? Let’s dive in to one reader’s specific problem.

Dear Scary Mommy,

I live in a neighborhood crawling with kids. As things warm up, all the kids come outside to play. They bounce from house to house and yard to yard, running around and playing. At 5, my daughter is the youngest of the bunch.

This all seemed to be so sweet and convenient, but now I’m a bit worried about the friendship dynamics. My daughter seems to be very drawn to some of the older girls. They are very sweet with her and include her, but now, when she comes home from a few hours of play, she’s short with me. She has a little bit of an attitude. She has also been part of “hiding” from another girl on the street and excluding her, which I have been very adamant about her *not* doing. Her mom, my neighbor, has expressed how much this hurts. And that makes me feel awful.

I know she’s just trying to “act cool” because she’s playing with girls a little older than her, but…is this going to be my whole summer? Should I allow her to play so freely with girls who are significantly older than her?

— Summer Conundrum

Dear Summer Conundrum,

This is, indeed, a conundrum. And it’s one that honestly doesn’t have an easy answer. But here’s what we know for sure.

First and foremost, there are lots of pros to having your kid hang out with older kids. Your daughter hanging out in a group of older girls increases her safety. It’s definitely safer than playing alone, and an older group likely knows a lot more about traffic safety and water safety, for example. The girls may also act as older sisters to your kid, teaching them about the world, protecting them, and making sure they’re comfortable, cared for, and happy. They can also be role models, help your kid try new things, and help them develop social skills. On top of all that, they can help your kid stay occupied and active during what can be isolating and boring summer months. That’s a lot of positives!

On the other hand, there are also concerns. Older kids can mean bullying behavior. It can also mean that your kids is thrown into “mean girl” situations at the tender age of 5 or 6 — a few years before she’d likely encounter it at school — and it sounds like a little of this has already happened. And in the same way that older girls could be role models, they could also model less ideal things or expose your kids to mature activities and ideas that she’s not ready for.

But here’s the bottom line: I’m guessing it’s unlikely that you can separate your kid from the neighborhood gang — and doing so would result in her being lonely (and possibly constantly in your hair at home). Like many parenting problems, trying to simply put your kid in a bubble to protect them from the world might seem tempting, but it’s ultimately isolating if not impossible. On top of that, you’d just be delaying some hard lessons that need to be taught at some point down the line.

Here’s what I think you should do: keep lines of communication as open as possible. Communicate with the parents in the neighborhood about your concerns. Communicate with the gaggle of girls that your kid is running with. Remind them that your kid is younger and therefore needs to be treated as such. And most importantly, communicate with your kid. Make sure she understands that she isn’t meant for all the things the older girls do, and that’s okay. It sounds like you are already doing a great job on this front by staying involved and intervening when necessary.

I also think it’s important for your kid to get in some time with peers who are the same age this summer. Make it a priority to balance the neighborhood hangouts with time with her friends from school or other rising first graders.

You can’t always control your kid’s environment or their friends. This gets increasingly clearer as they get older. But you can talk to them and guide them as they learn the social ropes.

I actually think it’s wonderful and amazing that you live in a neighborhood filled with kids and community and one that’s safe enough for the kids to roam ‘90s-style free. That experience alone is worth the risk that your child might be negatively affected by playing outside of her age group.

— Scary Mommy

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If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!