Why Do We Ask Our Partners If We Can Take A Shower?

Recently, new mom “Gab Redwine,” took to her TikTok account @newmom.samegab to share one of the biggest issues she’s having now that she has a baby: she asks her partner for permission to go take a shower.

It’s an issue that’s relatable to lots of new parents, especially new moms.

“My biggest ick about myself: I feel like I have to relieve my husband from watching the baby,” Gab begins, while folding some laundry. “I’ll be like, ‘Hey, sorry, do you have just a minute? I just want to quickly take a shower. I’ll be two minutes and I’ll be right back. Is that OK?’ And he’s always like, ‘Yeah… go shower.’”

Even when she has verbal “permission” from her partner, the mom guilt still shines through.

“I’m like, ‘NO… I can skip! I can skip! We’re fine! It’s fine!’,” she says. “Why am I like this?”

Why is she like this? Well, it’s complicated.

Let’s start with societal norms: We’re taught from the time that we’re born that mothers are the caretakers and that men are the breadwinners. And we’re also taught, as archaic as it seems and as false as it is, that men are the head of the household. So, when you need a break from the “job” of caring for our kids, we feel like we need to ask our “boss.” Yep, it’s icky but it’s true — and it can be deeply internalized, even if neither you or your husband ascribe to those outdated roles.

The next problem? Default parenting. Early on in a kid’s life, their parents sort of unconsciously decide who the default parent is, and who can walk out of the room without finding a new primary source of childcare before leaving. And you guessed it, the default parent is usually the mom, because of the reasons above and because mom is usually either nursing or the primary feeder at that point.

Even as gross as it sounds, the default parent often feels a responsibility to let others know when they have to leave a space that their child is — and often that takes the form of having to ask permission to regularly clean yourself.

Next up? Mom guilt. Especially early in a child’s life, a mom might simply feel bad about not doing it all, all the time. They might also worry that their kid will miss her or need her while she’s gone. Or that someone might think she isn’t the perfect parent if she’s ever putting her needs above her baby’s needs (although please remember: your baby will be happier if you are taken care of, happy, and clean).

Finally — also related to the way society is structured — new moms maybe trying to “protect” their spouses and people-please their partners, especially in the really emotionally tough first years of parenting. That might look like taking on the bulk of the childcare, not waking them up for night feedings, or encouraging them to return to regular hobies and habits while your life remains greatly altered and difficult. It may seem like you’re helping them at first, but you’re creating a situation in which they don’t understand what you’re experiencing, and you begin to feel incredibly resentful about it.

Down in the comments of Gab’s post, a ton of moms identified with the “ick” of asking permission to shower from a partner.

Some had other related examples of mom-guilt, like not being able to rest when you know your partner is watching the baby.

“And when I sleep in and he hangs with the baby in the morning I can’t even really sleep bc I feel guilty,” one person wrote. “But he loves bonding time with his son but I can’t shake the feeling of guilt ???”

Another one brought up the important issue of entitlement.

“I don’t feel entitled to breaks for some reason,” she wrote.

Others added that when their husband takes a shower, it’s a different conversation altogether.

“He doesn’t ask, he tells me,” said one mom. “Why can’t I do the same?”

Another person made a great point: it’s hard to ask for rest or personal care, and even more impossible to ask for something like time for a hobby or friends.

“Yes & I'm physically incapable of having him take over for a fun break like a tv show or something,” she said. “Only hygiene or sleep.”

Other commenters shared how they fought back against these ingrained feelings.

“I have to tell myself ‘they’re his kids too they’re his kids too!!’ Helps a little,” wrote a fellow mom.

“I go to a support group and the lady who runs it told me, ‘your baby is 50/50, you can’t take away, change or control their 50’ and it has helped me relieve this same exact thought,” she wrote.

Wow. That is a really good thought to start with next time you want to “ask” your husband to take the kids.